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If you’re with someone who seems to not have your best interests at heart, then you’ll learn to take care of yourself. If either of you has been in serious relationships in the past, it is important to know what kind of things you’re ready to give and/or take. When you’re on your own, you’re free to do whatever it is that makes you happy while also focusing on self-improvement, so this is something you should take advantage of. After it ended with him, I worked on allowing vulnerability and sadness for the first time. I learned to listen through difficult emotional conversations without reacting immediately. Shortly after, the types of people I began attracting changed dramatically.
With such a poor level of understanding of our characters, no wonder we aren’t in any position to know who we should be looking out for. 2. We Don’t Understand Other People So there I was, six months into my marriage, dreaming of how I could run away and return to my mom. I was a 24 year-old woman who was scared to death. I hadn’t heard anyone talk about this part of marriage, and I couldn’t decide if the problem was all me, or all Greg. In light of the fact that Greg was the son of world-renowned marriage expert Gary Smalley, I concluded that it must be me. And this led me to find a counselor.It’s only from the perspective of singledom that a marriage can look peaceful, uneventful - and enviably boring. A really important thing to know about relationships is that if you don’t want to be on your own forever, then you shouldn’t start a relationship hastily. It’s easy to keep our character flaws covered up when we aren’t living in the most intimate covenant relationship on earth — marriage. When we are dating, we put our best foot forward and work to cover up our wounds. But married life has a way of exposing us. Our spouse suddenly has the ability to make our flaws and struggles appear. And we don’t like it. I know I sure didn’t like it.
The right ones feels unfamiliar and alien, almost oppressive. Not because they are wrong, but precisely because they are too well-balanced, too right. 4. Being Single Is so AwfulIf you’re with someone who doesn’t seem to be your best friend, then it’s time to reevaluate what that means to you and whether or not the chemistry is worth it. Romantic competence is not an anti-love perspective. Rather, it is a shift from using romantic love as the sole indicator of who is right for you to using skills to help you select who is right for you. Kita menikah dengan seseorang karena ingin membekukan momen-momen bahagia. Mungkin ini juga sebabnya, ada beberapa keluhan dari orang yang sudah menikah: pasanganku gak seperti waktu pacaran/bulan madu dulu. Kita berharap ia terus menjadi orang yang baik dan manis, dan romantis setiap harinya. Padahal sama seperti kita, dia juga menjalani hidup; bekerja, berpotensi burnout, bisa merasakan emosi, ada saatnya sedih, banyak pikiran, etc.
Seperti judulnya, buku ini membahas mengenai realita dan 'kesalahan' apa saja yang diperbuat manusia mengenai pemikiran mereka tentang pernikahan. Beberapa kesimpulan yang bisa kujabarkan sedikit mungkin ini: The level of knowledge we need for a marriage to work is higher than our society is prepared to countenance, recognise and accommodate for – and therefore our social practices around getting married are deeply wrong. 3. We Aren’t Used to Being Happy
Final thoughts
My task today is to turn that anger into sadness. If we manage to turn rage into grief, we will have made psychological progress. And this is the task today. If there is anyone else out there who complements what you’re looking for in a partner, then it’s good to look for them. When I projected independence and ambition into the world (but also selfishness and impatience), I attracted the same. However, when I started prioritizing relationships over achievements and became more giving, communicative, and patient — I also attracted more of the same. The first section rang true in some of the parts, my fave chapters being 'We don't understand other people ' which divulge into projecting perfection onto the other person(s) which omg can be very true, in the sense that we subconciously fill in the missing parts of people - 'Our brains are primed to take tiny visual hints and construct entire figures from them (a person - and we do the same when it comes to the character of our prospective spouse" - Well I'd be bloody damned .. lesson learnt on that one Hollie.
This happens because we are able to set better boundaries and learn to appreciate the things we do have without wasting our time with someone who can’t give us what we really want. So many people rush into relationships and don’t give themselves a chance to listen to their thoughts and desires first. Short analysis of the reasons and possible solutions around the selection of a life partner which ultimately, quite often, was not really made with the long-lasting marriage in mind. I recently read an article titled “Why You Will Marry the Wrong Person” — and it intrigued me. I’ve never really heard this statement from anyone other than those who are suffering in the current state of their marriage. It seems as though this thought is the go-to statement when things get tough and someone wants out of a marriage. It was definitely my go-to thought when I was a struggling young bride.
4) You’ll realize that spousal expectations are often unrealistic
Anyone we might marry could, of course, be a little bit wrong for us. We don’t expect bliss every day. We know that perfection is not on the cards. Nevertheless, there are couples who display such deep-seated incompatibility, such heightened rage and disappointment, that we have to conclude that something else is at play beyond the normal scratchiness: they appear to have married the wrong person.
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